Who am I now?

My babygirl & my mother

Who will I be when she is gone?  I have been her mother since I was fifteen.  We grew together… learning, laughing and exploring the world together.  I hope I did a good job.  I hope she knows that I was finding myself too… and I know there were times I didn’t see her.  I was trying to listen to my inner voice for guidance… there were times I didn’t hear her.  I was struggling to find my own way… and there were times I didn’t take her along.  I know she has suffered… taking this journey with me. But I hope she knows that she was always my sanity… she was MY hero.

I know she has seen too much… heard too much… and I wasn’t always able to shelter her.  I know it was damaging, because I am damaged too.  I have always tried to tell her how much I love her. I tried to always tell her how beautiful she is…and how proud I am of her.  I only wish she could crawl inside my heart and see for herself.

It’s the worst feeling ever, being unable to rewind… to go back… to right a few wrongs… or maybe more than a few.

I always thought there would be more time.

But here we are… at the end of the line.

I have to be strong and wave goodbye, while quietly dying inside.

Vanessa xoxo

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