Me, ten years ago…

Wow… 24… it seems like a lifetime ago.  I was a mess… not to say that I am not now, but I was definitely more of a mess.  I was getting out of my nightmare of a relationship with the father of my children.  I was entering into my first full fledged lesbian relationship, and moving into MY first apartment.  It was an extremely tumultuous time in my life.  Everything was going to terribly wrong, yet right.  I needed to get away from that man.  Things had gotten so horrible.  I was constantly afraid for my life. He was so angry with the fact that he felt me slipping through his fingers.  And when I finally left, he made my life a living hell. My girlfriend at the time was everything that I needed (then), but his constant interference made it hard to be fully present for her, and us.

That year was pure chaos.  I always felt torn between what I knew I should do, and what I knew I had to do to keep the peace.

Looking back now, I thought I had so much figured out.  I knew nothing.  I was just this drone… doing doing doing… doing a whole lot of nothing.  As hard as it is to admit, I was so consumed with myself that I was neglectful of my children.  And they were in need… big time. I wish I could go back and do so many things differently.  I wouldn’t change knowing my children’s father though.  I would endure that abuse all over again, because he is partially responsible for two of my greatest accomplishments in life… my babies.  I just wish I had been in a better, more mature state of mind for them.

All things considered, I guess I did the best I could.  There’s no handbook that tells you how to effectively raise your kids while getting your ass beat and coming to terms with being a lesbian, while still dealing with the childhood trauma of having parents that were suffering from depression and growing up in a household with drugs, alcohol and domestic violence.

In these past ten years, although it may not be visible to the naked eye, if you look really close, I have changed.  I am not where I want to be in life, but internally, I am well on my way.

Vanessa xoxo

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