It may take a lifetime…

I was searching for a writing prompt… because I’m feeling a little blank today… when I stumbled across this…

Write about a heated argument you had with your parents (real or fictitious).

I thought about it for a second, and I came to the conclusion that I had never really had an argument with my dad… not that we had many opportunities… he was in his own world… and I was in mine… which was actually and quite basically just the aftermath of his…

He wasn’t ALWAYS high or drunk… but even in those rare instances when he wasn’t… he wasn’t really home… or he wasn’t “present”…

So the arguments were with my mom… our relationship was and is very odd… She is my mother… and I am her daughter… there isn’t much more to it than that… I am not even sure if she loves me… I am not sure she knows how to love me…

I believe she cares about me… and wants the best for me… but so do a lot of people… a mother’s love is supposed to feel extraordinary… one should never have to question it…

So anyway… we would fight… and scream to the point of foaming… the very last argument we had… I honestly felt as if I had burst a very important vein in my forehead… I cannot tell you what I said verbatim… but I remember quite clearly what it was about….

Her criticizm… her judgments… her attacking me… making me feel bad about myself… making me feel “not enough” … trying to sweep my painful childhood under the rug of guilt she feels…

I know I am not perfect… but I think taking all things into consideration… I did a pretty good job of raising myself… of instilling certain values and morals in myself… I care about others… most times more than myself… I am compassionate and kind… humble and loyal… thoughtful and respectful… when by all means… I should be a strung out lunatic…

I don’t say this to say I have been unaffected… I have been deeply affected… I am recovering still… I still discover things about myself that are unpleasant…

It is hard to look at myself in the mirror and see the ugly parts of me… the not so nice characteristics that I have inherited… I have tried to correct and reprogram myself… But there are still lots of glitches… some programs are running better than others…

In a conversation last night with my girlfriend about this topic… the issue of “dwelling” came up… I would hate to think that I am dwelling… I just feel like there is so much internal work to be done… I have a lot to work through… at times I am sure it may come across as whining… but certain things must be said out loud… to release them… sometimes the answers are discovered in listening to yourself speak…

So I guess I will continue to talk… continue to write… until the clarity and closure I seek reveals itself to me…

Vanessa xoxo

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