Dear Daughter…

I’m sorry this has taken so long.  My heart aches as I think of all of the things I did to hurt you.  I am so sorry I chose a soul numbing substance over you…over our family.   Sorry I hurt your mother.  Sorry I robbed you of your innocence, and allowed you to witness things a child’s eyes should never see.  Sorry I stole your youth and forced you into adulthood way before your time.  I am so sorry my demons became yours.  I’m sorry I put others before you.  I am sorry I was too high and drunk to realize how badly you wanted my love and affection.  Sorry I pushed you into the arms of men searching for a fathers love.  I am sorry. I am so sorry I couldn’t guide you and teach you… love you and father you… nurture you and make you feel secure.  I am so very sorry. I’m sorry I left you feeling lost and broken… I am sorry that you are still hurting…that you still long for my love…I’m loving you from heaven… and I’m proud of how you’ve overcome… I see your struggle and your pain and I am sorry I am not there with you.  I’m sorry for all the years you suffered in a violent relationship because you didn’t know any different.  I am sorry for the wrong paths you chose because I wasn’t there to advise you.   I know my death was senseless and preventable… I am sorry I didn’t hear your cries…your pleading…and begging… for me to stop…for me to choose life…to choose you.  I’m so sorry I didn’t choose you.  I’m sorry that you won’t ever receive this letter…or get the closure that you want so badly.  I am sorry that I never said I was sorry.  My dearest sweet daughter…I loved you dearly…and I am so very sorry.

Vanessa xoxo

  1. Impacting understates the feelings that were transferred to me after reading this piece. Heart-felt, indeed. I think my heart just left my chest to be with you in that very moment. It’s like your words came to life and I became you in that very instance. The pain, the yearning, the suffering, the neglect, the unlove, the bitter unsweet, all the emotions, were felt. They ran through my veins, as if they were my own blood and they belonged there. It was so powerful that I had to sit a while with myself and gather my thoughts and make sense of them, just to put them here. And so far this is the best that I can do. Because no words, can really reach… That was so [fcuking] deep. It made me lose my speech. *woosah*

    I feel proud for you, while being proud of you. I think this was an experience for the both of us, something that needed to be done as a release of negative energy that we’ve been hoarding. Unconsciously. Energy that I think we can transform into something more viable and positive (though it’s still going to take time). Thank you V., not only for sharing, but for offering up such an amazing suggestion that led to an empowering moment in my life. When I wrote my Dear Letter. I left all those emotions there. Though my heart still isn’t bare. We gotta keep moving forward until we reach it. Thank you. Yo, sincerest thanks. Much love to you!

    • wow thank you for such a heartfelt reply. my relationship with my father is something i fear i will struggle with forever. i loved him very much and his loss is felt today just as strongly as it was 17yrs ago. after his death i learned a lot about his childhood…about his pain… and what led him to such self destruction…i was able to forgive him…i understood…but what haunts me is the wish to change what can never be changed… the desire to tell him that i love and forgive him…the longing to be in his arms… the yearning for the love of my father… that will never go away. but yes this was a great exercise…a great release… glad you were able to benefit from it. your words are very powerful as well! mucho love to you!

  2. Wow this was amazing, but so real. I’m deeply touch by it, cuz I too have a lil vices of my own. I know this story will touch a wide range of peopl!!

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