ouchy. my brain hurts.

Life has been a bit crazy lately.  I havent been dedicating any time to blogging or journaling, even though they’re on my to-do list daily.  I struggle with posting what is on my mind and what is heavy on my heart because I dont want this space to become that place.  The place where people come and think to themselves damn this bitch is depressing.

Those of you that know me, know that I am a very happy person.  Those of you that know me well, know that there is usually something going on.  I dont want to think that I attract these things.  They are normally financial issues, deadbeat issues, health issues, kid issues…things that are not in my power to change.  I can easily stop rehashing the painful issues from my past.  But clearly I am just not done with those emotions yet.  Expressing my feelings is a part of my healing process.  And there is a lot of healing to be done.

I am not sure what this post is about.  I guess it should serve as a message that many of my posts are and will be dreary… sad… morbid…just plain ugh.  Just know that I am not whining or complaining.  My heart is FULL of LOVE.  I mentioned in a previous post being an empath, and recent events have really saddened me to the point of tears.  I FEEL, really FEEL the pain of others.

I told a twitter friend that I would pray for a loved one.  I also told her that I am not one of those people who says I will pray because it sounds good.  I truly pray when I say I am going to pray.

I pray every time I see a raging fire truck on its way to a possible fire.  I have a very soft spot in my heart for the people who put their lives on the line to help strangers.  Those that run into a burning building while everyone else is running out.  Hurts me to my core when I hear on the news that a firefighter lost his life.

My brain…oh my brain.  What a bitter-sweet relationship I have with it.  It is my best friend and my worst enemy.

Gonna let you into it for a minute…

Say I’m watching the news…

Kidnapped woman found in wooded area…nude, raped and stabbed to death.

The reaction of most is…. Fuck!  Jesus. *sigh* What a shame. Poor girl. *tightens lips and shakes head*

My reaction… I get really upset.  I stare at her picture for as long as it stays on the TV screen.  I imagine her as a child… I imagine her parents grief.  I imagine what my own would be.  I think of her last moments, her fear and helplessness.  I think of how fragile life is and how badly she wanted to live.  How badly she wished someone would save her.  Her screams. Her last thoughts.  The panic in her eyes.  I think of her begging.  I try to recall what I might have been doing while she was being raped and killed.  I think if the unimaginable pain of being stabbed to death.  I think of the day before it happened.  How life probably seemed so normal and she had no idea death was on its way.  I think of her putting on her shoes that morning not realizing that would be the last time she would do that.  I think of many things… way too many things.  But I think every life is entitled to more than a second of mourning, even a strangers.  Everyone is important to someone, and their lives and deaths should not be disregarded.

If I think like this when I hear of a stranger dying…well then I am sure you can imagine how deeply hurt I feel when it is someone close to me… someone as close as a father.

I haven’t said much about the death of my grandmother and role she played in my life.  She was my best friend.  I plan to write about her soon.  I also want to write about my experience having to deal with losing my grandmother and father six months apart, both during my first pregnancy.

So, as I mentioned, I told a twitter friend that I would pray for her loved one… and I came across this prayer by Iyanla Vanzant.

A Blessing for the Body…
Dear God,
Bless her body today!
Shower every part of her with the strength of your love.
Fill every muscle, every tissue, every cell, every organ and every system of her body with divine radiance and health.
Bless her body today, God!
Bless every part of her with divine strength and wholeness. Eliminate the ravages of self-abuse and negligent self -care.
Fill every part of her with divine light that will restore divine order to every part of her body.
Bless her body today!
Strengthen her body today, God!
Strengthen her arms and legs.
Strengthen her hands and feet.
Strengthen her heart and all of the systems supported by it.
Let the healing power of your strength flow through her to correct and eliminate all imbalance, disease and disharmony.
Bless her body with strength today!
I pray that she is open to receive the divine love, light and order in every part of her body.
I pray that her body is whole, healed and blessed!
And so it is!

I modified the words a bit so that the prayer was for her.  This prayer is from the book Every Day I Pray by Iyanla Vanzant.

And I just want to say thank you to those that take the time to read my words without judgement.  I love you.

Vanessa xoxo

  1. Clearly you’re a feeling type ah gal, but i don’t think your space will be seen as depressing!!!
    Just keep trying to write your heart out hun, the words will come!!! & I too will say a prayer for you, your friend & her loved one!!!
    Well said lady!!!

    Sally ;)

  2. thank you lady *hugs*

  3. V, you are deep, passionate and articulate in your expression. Depressing has not once been a word I could accurately use to describe the feeling your writing has invoked within me. How fortuante for us that you are the person you are, with a capacity to feel as strongly for others as you do. That is truly a gift.

    My mom’s brother recently passed and it’s been such an emotional transition for her. So sudden and unexpected was his death. It’s something I plan to write about as well, but I haven’t been able to gather my thoughts accurately with any sort of depth. I’m hoping to do some deep reflection when we leave for Philly at the end of the week. Thanks for sharing this, and the prayer, both defintely felt.

  4. That is an emotive prayer. And it’s nice too.

    As for your thoughts on your writing, it is not in any way what so ever; depressing. You write in a style that works for the reader.

    Don’t sweat it, just write.

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