I fucking wish…

i wish you were here daddy
i wish you had fought harder
your urges, your disease, your anger
i wish you read me stories
and came to all my plays
i looked for you in the audience daddy
but you were never there
i wish i wasnt scared of you daddy
and i wish you smiled more
i wish i could hear your voice
and you could hold my hand
i wish you saw the hope in my eyes
and i wish you saw it die daddy
each time you relapsed
i only wished it’d make you better
or at least make you want to be
i wish i never wished you dead
because none of the insurmountable wishes I’ve wished
could ever bring you back
i wish you hadnt died alone daddy
and i wish my heart didnt ache anymore
i wish there was someone or something
that could fill this void
i wish daddy, i fuckin wish
i just wish you were here
so i could tell you I dont give a fuck about all these wishes
i just wish i was wrapped in the safety of your arms
i’d cry and tell you how many nights i lied awake wishing for only this
i wish you could hold your 31 yr old baby like the first day
she cried her first cry
i wish daddy, i fucking wish

Vanessa xoxo

  1. Another heart-wrenching and exceptionally well-written piece … you are published, right? If not, I’m certain you’re working on it, right? ;)

  2. Why do you always have to look to the floor? Hopefully the pain can and will go away with time :-/ *looks to the floor*

    • weird… honestly i dont think it ever will… when you lose someone so important to you and you didnt get to say goodbye… and there was so much to say that was unsaid… and there is just so much regret.. im not sure it does get easier…there is just an aching for my father that i cannot explain.. and knowing that it can never be… is excrutiating! *sigh*

      Ok that was depressing lol

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