Posted by Vanessa on September 8, 2014
It has been a long 3-year journey with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Where do I even start? It’s been so long since I have shared, and so much has happened. Well for starters, I finally got some health insurance! It felt awesome to see a doctor and make a desperate plea for help… even though I knew she’d only prescribe medicines that I had been dreading. We started with Plaquenil, which I have been on for almost a year. Its scariest side-effects seem to be hair-loss and vision-loss. I wasn’t excited about this pill particularly because I have already been battling unexplained hair-loss. I am not sure about the Plaquenil’s effectiveness because overall I don’t feel any worse or better than I did prior to starting it. But my right arm, which locked up about 2-years ago, has continued to get worse. My doctor told me if I had any hope of regaining mobility of my arm, I would need to start a stronger drug. Enter Methotrexate. This is the one that I was truly trying to avoid because it is a chemo drug and will most definitely cause hair-loss. I have been on it for almost 2-months now and judging by the chunk of hair that fell from my head in the shower last night, it is already working its black magic.
I am trying to stay positive. I am doing all I can do to fight Rheumatoid Arthritis and be healthy in general. I have gone completely vegan and gluten-free. I take my supplements, drink lots of water, and green tea. Eat lots of veggies and fruit. I’m just not sure what else I can do to fight this fight.
With that being said, I am still pushing, still fighting and still living life. I am exercising and losing weight. I am working and trying to resuscitate my creative spirit. And most importantly, I am still smiling. And I still feel incredibly blessed. xo
Posted by Vanessa on March 2, 2013
I am not exactly sure where I am going, but I am getting closer.
I found a creative outlet that is keeping me from feeling restless and idle. I started making jewelry. I am taking baby steps. Finding out what methods I like… what products I like to use… I have made several sales and feel very grateful that people actually want to purchase something that I made.
I think some people may think I was just trying to get creative by coming up with a different spelling of “pretty.” However, Preeti is actually a Hindi name/word that means delight, joy & love. I was trying to think of something along those lines and when I saw Preeti it struck something in me and I knew that’s what I wanted to go with. It bees like that sometimes.
I am looking forward to developing – I may even take some classes. I’d like to be able to do some more advanced stuff. :)
Happy Saturday loves.
Posted by Vanessa on January 12, 2013
I decided to take a look at my blog roll today, the inspirational blogs specifically – and I am so glad I did. I visited one of my favorite sites, Live Bold & Bloom and something caught my eye in the side-panel. The 52-Week Life Passion Project – The Path to Uncover Your Life Passion. I was intrigued and clicked on the link. I downloaded the first chapter via the site (link here) and I was hooked. I will be purchasing this book today!
I Instagram’d the book cover and someone commented, “I used to write, which I thought was your passion found and lived…”
I had to think about it for a moment. Words. They are definitely my passion. I know it with every fiber of my being. But I am not LIVING my passion. I am not doing anything fulfilling with my words. I journal. I blog. I write for myself. I toy with writing a novel. But I still feel completely restless. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing with my words.
My words, they are what has kept me sane. Kept me going. The one thing that has always remained a constant in my life. They have been patient with me. They have never abandoned me… even when I have abandoned them. They reveal answers to me without belittling me. They have been there with me on my darkest of nights. And they have saved me time and time again, from myself.
I am totally head over heels in love with words.
Now what the hell am I supposed to be doing with them?
Great question! So I plan to take this journey, with this lovely book. And hopefully my life passion will become abundantly clear to me. I’m excited.
Posted by Vanessa on January 5, 2013
So here we are. The world hasn’t come to an end as predicted so we are able to make dozens of resolutions that we most likely won’t keep for 2013… but we will make them anyway. I don’t even recall all the broken promises of 2012 but I did manage to accomplish a lot.
- I moved from NYC to NC with my girlfriend.
- I landed a great job.
- We got an adorable apartment.
- I bought a car.
- I have managed to holistically manage my pain and keep my sanity.
I think that covers the major things… now what are my hopes for 2013?
- I want to start and possibly finish a novel.
- I want to blog at least once per week.
- I want to read at least three life changing books.
- I want to travel someplace tropical.
- I want to cultivate three meaningful friendships.
- I want to get out of debt and save some money.
- I want to take a painting class and maybe a pottery class.
- I want to complete lots of DIY projects around the house.
- I want to use my camera more.
- I want to talk to my mom at least 2x per week.
- I want to cook a BIG Sunday feast at least once per month.
- I want to have date night at least 2x per month. Actually get dressed up and go on a date. Not go to the movies in sweats. lol
- I want to commit to mediating and journaling daily.
- I want to commit to eating RA friendly foods (hardest one of all).
- I want to commit to a more healthy lifestyle and going to the gym at least 3x per week.
I think those are all perfectly doable things and I hope to do most, if not all of them.
Just want to wish everyone whose eyes cross this post a very Happy 2013.
Posted by Vanessa on December 11, 2012
The holidays are approaching – they are always bitter-sweet for me. I love the them but somehow they are never what I want them to be. I don’t come from a large family, and my own family has been a broken one for many years. I always fantasize about these large gatherings with lots of food and laughter, but mine are much more quiet and intimate… and just a tad bit dry. I guess “dry” is a little bit better than the Christmases of my youth that were usually filled with domestic violence and police officers, but still.
This year will be the first Christmas in 19-years that I will be without my children and the first in my 35-years of life without my mother. They are all alive and well, but will be in NYC… and I will be home in North Carolina. Wow… North Carolina is home.
It will be a very emotional day for me.
You can’t tell by this post how much I actually adore this time of year. lol The Christmas carols, the decorations, the opportunity to GIVE to your loved ones and see their smiling faces. All of it makes my heart happy.
I am going to try to make the very best of my holiday… maybe start some new traditions.
What is your favorite thing about this time of year?
Posted by Vanessa on November 14, 2012
I forgive all those who have hurt me. Lied to me. Wished me badly. Spoken ill of me. Stolen from me. Used me. Abused me. Manipulated me. Taken me for granted. Falsely accused me. Overlooked me. Made assumptions about me. Cheated me. Enabled me. Made me cry. Tried to break me…
…And since I will never be able to reach all those I have hurt… I forgive myself… and extend wishes of peace and wellness to all from my past.
I move forward with peace in my own heart… cultivating relationships based on respect and love. Relationships that encourage and inspire.
And so it is.
Posted by Vanessa on October 19, 2012
Had a good cry and now I’m ready to start my day. It’s so hard each day to smile and laugh and interact with people… But it’s a choice I make. The alternative is to whine and be miserable and fall into a depression. I’m just not that person. I make a conscious decision each day to be happy and push through the mind blowing pain that comes with rheumatoid arthritis. I am humbled daily as I struggle to do things that should require little to no effort. And although I have always been a compassionate person, this has opened my eyes in a way that I think can only happen through experiencing something like this.
My heart bleeds for those that suffer with chronic pain…
It has become a painful reality in my life… but I have so much to be thankful for… And I will focus on those things.
Posted by Vanessa on August 5, 2012
My soul has been strangely and consistently in a state of unrest lately. I needed to get out of the house the other night so I got in the car and started driving. I didn’t really have a destination and just drove until I found myself at a near-by park. I found a cozy spot and watched kids playing on the swings and wrote in my journal. It wasn’t anything special… but it was what my mind needed. I stood for a while… would have stayed longer but unfortunately the bugs in NC are relentless…. so back in the car I went. I didn’t turn on the music… I wanted to hear the wind, the tires on the pavement, my breathing and I wanted to pay attention to the many thoughts I have been trying to avoid. They’ve been nagging me. I try to ignore them until I can’t anymore… until they are not so gently tapping me on my shoulder. But unfortunately they are speaking to me in another language… and I can’t seem to decode whatever this unrest means. I wound up at Barnes & Noble which almost always magically makes me feel at peace. I fingered through books I knew I wouldn’t buy… cursed the thought of a Nook… and made notes of some books that I want to go back for. I didn’t necessarily want to purchase anything… I just wanted to be there surrounded by books and people that couldn’t tell that I was on the verge of some kind of breakdown.
I didn’t stay long… the boo wanted Bojangles… and I told her I wouldn’t be in late.
There really isn’t a point to this post..which I am noticing is becoming a pattern… I guess certain things are just worth documenting for reflection later.
Posted by Vanessa on August 1, 2012
Sometimes I have no clue what I am going to write until I get to the blank white space where I am supposed to type something phenomenal and worthy of putting out into the Universe.
But this… I actually jotted down on a post-it at work during one of my many pensive moments. It’s not phenomenal and it’s very short, but I decided it was at least worthy of posting.
It’s time for healing…
Too much emotional…
And physical pain…
My spirit cannot thrive…
In the environment…
In which it dwells…
Everything inside of me…
Is telling me…
It’s time for healing…
Maybe I just needed to type it… and see it… it’s mostly for me I guess… but maybe someone will come across it… and it will be for them too.
Posted by Vanessa on July 16, 2012
Today is a bad day. I woke up this morning and my ankles hurt so bad and were so weak I could barely stand. I try so hard to stay positive, but every once in a while, I break down. Today I just want to give up and let this disease have me because it hurts too much to move… to fight… to lie to myself and say everything will be okay. In a handful of months it will be one year that I have been struggling to walk, open bottles, put on my own bra, work, etc. I am so incredibly tired.
I know there are things that I should be doing to lessen the pain – but it’s so hard. NO drinking and NO normal food… basically NO social outings that involve food or liquor. *sigh* I want to get better, but I also want a life.
I’m just sad today. I know it will pass and my glass will seem half-full again. But for today life feels pretty sucky.